Know
by somerdaye
Summary: You see this smile? It's fake. You hear this laugh? It's forced. They know, they know, they know, but there's nothing either of them can say. Kagura centic oneshot.


**a/n;** Sorry if this gets confusing, it's a new style I'm trying out. Set after the manga ends, maybe like a year after. No not-canon pairings - well, you can see Kagura/Haru and/or Kagura/Momiji if you _squint_ - and hopefully I have them all in character. Let me know! ^_^

_**know**_

_I know that you believe you understand _

_what you think I said, but I'm not sure you _

_realize that what you heard is not what I meant._

_**xx**_

She's sad, she's mad, she's broken, she's choking, she's - she's - she's -

She's tired. Tired of pretending that it's all okay, that working is a fine alternative to falling in love, that she doesn't still love _him_. What's the point of pretending, anyway? They all know the truth. They all handle it differently, sure, but they _know_.

Hatori makes her come in for a check up once a month, and though they both know her body is perfectly healthy, they also know her mind is not. Not that, you know, she'd ever _tell_ him that. It was just obvious. You see this smile? It's fake. You hear this laugh? It's forced. They know, they know, they _know_, but there's nothing either of them can say. He knows how it feels to be broken, so he knows not to talk about it. He just looks her over and sends her on her way with a _see you next month, Kagura_ and all she can do is nod because he knows, he _knows_ and she knows that he'll be the first to know when she tries to hurt herself.

Ayame, well, she doesn't see him all that often, to be honest, but when she does he makes a habit of insulting _him_ and making her wear pretty dresses because _when you look good on the outside you feel good on the inside, right_? Wrong. Some days, she's the prettiest girl he ever did see, but that doesn't make her eyes clear up, it doesn't make her smile a real smile, it just makes her hurt more because _oh god he never even wanted me no matter what I looked like_ and he knows, he _knows_, but he doesn't know how to deal with that.

Shigure thinks it makes her feel better when he mock hits on her, when he compliments her, when he asks what she's doing later and why doesn't she drop by? She makes herself laugh at the half-jokes because it's not like he knows how to deal with a broken girl, either, and all he knows how to do is flirt so he uses that in his favour but when he sees it doesn't help he has no idea what to do. He could hug her, he could talk to her, he could _listen_, he knows, he _knows_ all he could do for her, but he doesn't know how. So he doesn't.

She never, ever, ever sees Kureno, ever - the only time she's seen him since _he_ left was at Shigure and Akito's wedding and he was there with that blonde friend of _hers_ and he was happy and she couldn't stand it because how dare he be happy when she barely sees in color anymore? He danced with her for one song at Shigure's request and there was so much awkward in the air, she could almost reach out and touch it, but he kept smiling down at her and trying to make her smile back because he knows, he _knows_, but he doesn't know _her_, so what could he say to make it better? Then he was gone.

Ritsu apologizes and apologizes and apologizes and _god_ she's close to knocking him through the roof. He doesn't know how to help her because he's perfectly happy, and he doesn't want to remember back when he felt like nobody loved him, but when he catches glimpses of memory in the limbo between sleeping and waking, he thinks he knows how she must feel, but it doesn't help. He still can't help her, because he doesn't want to feel that way again. He knows exactly how she feels, oh, man, he _knows_, but that's not stopping him from ignoring the empathy so he, himself can be happy. _I'm so selfish..._ It's why he apologizes.

Rin, pfft, she doesn't even _like_ her all that much, why the hell would she try and help? Why would she take time out of her busy day just to see if she was better? She's not - she _knows_ - but hell if she wants to try and help because _Kagura just get the hell over it it's not the end of the world he's just a stupid cat what is your problem?_ And of course, they hate each other because one's happy and the other's shattered and they've been in each other's position and they just can't even sympathize because _you got yourself into this_.

_He_ doesn't call. _He_ doesn't visit. She thinks it's probably better that way.

Yuki tries, he really, really does, he tries to call every day and see how she is, he tries to visit every once in a while and help her with the laundry - but really he just gets in the way so why he even tries she'll never know - and he tries so very, very hard to make her see reason. _Kagura he's gone he's really gone he's not coming back this behaviour isn't exactly healthy maybe you should see a therapist or maybe Hatori can do it, I don't know I just want you to be happy_. He just wants her to be happy and he knows, he _knows_ it's not all that possible but still, dammit, he _tries_.

Momiji's the only one she can stand to talk to. He's in the same boat. He loved _her_ and she loved _him _and _they_ went off into the sunset and left them all alone, pining after someone who's never going to love them back, but what can they do? He's the only one that can really make her smile and laugh and he's the only one she cries in front of because he _understands_, he knows (_knows_) why she hates to sleep because when she sleeps she dreams and when she dreams she sees _him _and then she wakes up crying and she can't stop. He can't even comfort her properly in those mornings because he's crying, too.

A close runner-up for the one she likes the most is Hatsuharu - Haru - the cow, the docile one until _BAM_, he snaps and suddenly he's _Black Haru_ and he's the only one that will fight her and she's got so many bruises from when he throws her into walls and punches her in the gut but she _needs _the pain. He doesn't feel bad until the _Black_ is all out of him and he's _Haru_ again, and _oh shit, Kagi, did I do that? I'm sorry, that must hurt, let me get you to Hatori right now_ and by then the pain is bliss, ecstasy, and he knows, he _knows_, but the only way he'll hurt her is if he's _Black_ because _it's not right, Kagi, it's just not right_. She knows.

Hiro doesn't help. He doesn't even try. He knows he doesn't help. He doesn't care. He'll insult her all he damn well pleases and who the hell cares if she's still upset about _him_ because, _um, what does it have to do with me, exactly? Why do I have to do anything? She doesn't help me, she never helped me, why should I help her?_ And Kisa tries to make him be more 'compassionate' but he doesn't _want_ to be, he knows he isn't, dammit, he _knows_, but that doesn't mean he wants to change, does it? _Can't she just hold herself together for one freaking day?_

Kisa, oh _Kisa_, she's so cute, and she's so quiet, and friendly, and caring, and, just like Yuki, she _tries_, but she's noticed that nothing she does will make any difference and _Kagi, can you pretty please smile? Just once, for real, please?_ But she can't. She understands, as much as she can, at least, but she never quite gets why _Kagi, do you hate onee-chan? Why?_ Because she hasn't fallen quite in love with Hiro yet and even when she does it's not like he's going to leave her for another girl so she'll never _fully_ understand and she knows, she _knows_ but she doesn't want to.

And at the end of the day when the house is clean and everyone's in bed - _except for Hatori but that man almost never sleeps_ - she walks all the way to the park and lets herself cry, she lets herself go, and if a certain cow finds her like that one day when he's trying to find his house, well, he's not about to say anything. Sure, he carries her home (after asking for directions from one of Akito's maids) and he tucks her into her bed and he says _goodnight, Kagi, try not to dream_ and he walks away and he knows he tried his best but, well, they're not going to say anything.

_**xx**_

**a/n;** Like it, hate it, tell me! ^_^


End file.
